I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
