we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
