i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
