It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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