True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
