okay pat passed out under dana's car
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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