why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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