Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
