Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize