his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
