his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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