It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
