If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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