what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A+ Viking dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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