is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
