You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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