Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
