i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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