I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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