Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
