I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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