My room smells like vodka and shame
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
