Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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