I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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