Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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