the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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