I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
