I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
