Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
