I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
