Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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