So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
