I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
