I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think my moral compass just broke
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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