Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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