One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
