i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
