he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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