I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
