Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm lost and stupid without you.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
