They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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