I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
