It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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