theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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