Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize