her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
