I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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