he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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