I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
