think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
