If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
