I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sober January is a disaster.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize