Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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