i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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