Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
