What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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