my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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