Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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