you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
