So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
