Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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