If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize